Failure in sports happens all the time, but that idea doesn’t tend to help athletes feel any better at the moment.  If you’re reading this, you’re either an athlete who recently failed, and the feelings are horrible, or you are a coach or parent looking to help an athlete who recently failed, and you’re trying to help them get over it and bounce back.

As an athlete, the LAST thing you need to hear after a failure is “Athlete’s fail all the time!” or being reminded of some baseball analogy or Michael Jordan quote.  While those are great points, they don’t help an athlete AFTER the failure, but they can help an athlete BEFORE the failure occurs.

In this article, I’m going to share with you some tactics to help athletes at all levels deal with failure and how to get them back on track quickly…

As the odds are you’re here to help an athlete dealing with the pain of failure, let’s start with how to move through that as quickly as possible.

Failure In Sports Can Be As Painful As Losing a Loved One

 This concept may seem a bit over the top, but it’s true.  To an athlete who really WANTS a result, not getting it can be as painful as losing a loved one, dealing with the loss of a pet, or losing a favorite stuffed animal or other keepsakes.

So with that, there is an obvious grieving process that an athlete has to go through.

To the athlete who has failed in sports they are now going to go through five (or more) distinct stages popularized by Kubler-Ross:

1. Denial and Isolation:  “That did NOT just happen! Leave me alone!”
2. Anger:  “This whole world sucks. I’m out.  I quit!”
3. Bargaining: “Dear God if I can just have this result, I promise to never yell at my little sister again, ever.”
4. Depression: “(Singing sadly) Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen.  Know body knows the sorrow.”
5. Acceptance: “I lost, but I’m going to be ok.  Let’s get back on the horse.”

Athletes dealing with failure can exhibit all sorts of symptoms, like crying or lashing out.  They might throw on their earbuds and not talk to anyone for a while.  At certain levels, they might not want to eat or may have trouble sleeping.  The potential list here is long, but to the athlete who has just failed, their brain and body are going to react in a way that is most comforting…to them.

Overcoming Failure In Sports is a Personal Process

It doesn’t matter if an athlete has failed in sports a lot or if this is their first BIG loss… athletes, coaches, and parents need to understand that every athlete weighs their failures differently.  The way I think about an upcoming game or practice probably differs from how you feel about an upcoming competition or practice.

And how we come out of that game or practice is probably going to differ based on how much we “want” it. (More on that in a moment)

So if failure in sports is a lot like losing a loved one, then it’s safe to say that the grieving process will vary for the person doing the grieving AND how “loved” that person or thing was.

Obviously, we have people and things we love more than others.  Losing a parent causes more grief than losing your favorite stuffed animal. (Although to a young child, they can sometimes be equal).  The same goes for situations in sports. (An error in practice carries less weight than a mistake in the Olympic final or the last seconds of your teams game) 

I worked with an athlete whose father gave him 24 hours to sulk over a loss.

I worked with an athlete whose coach gave him thirty minutes to grieve over a bad game.

I worked with a gymnast whose coach gave her ZERO time to have ANY emotion over an error in her routine. (The coach was Russian)

And I also had a teammate once who would have a bad race on Saturday, would drink himself into a hangover that evening, and you couldn’t talk to him till Tuesday.  By Wednesday, everyone was like, “Oh, Josh is back.  He’s good!”

Coaches and Parents Don’t Like Dealing With Failure In Sports

It’s important to know that Coaches and Parents don’t like dealing with athletes dealing with failure.  Really.

While there are some people out there who would say, “That’s not true!  I love ALL my athletes. Equally.”

That may be true, but at the end of the day, Coaches really want to get on with things.  They want the athlete back on the horse and working towards winning again.

Parents hate to see their kids upset and are wired to help their kids avoid pain and get back to the “fun” that they feel sports should be.  So the natural response is to say, “It’s ok, honey.  All athletes fail!”

Which doesn’t help.

How To Help An Athlete Deal With Failure In Sports

To recap, we covered how athletes deal with failure in their own way.  We also covered how an athlete “weighs” the importance of an event will also dictate how much grieving they have to go through after the event in which they failed.  So now let’s talk about what to do BEFORE the event.

When I didn’t make the first Olympic team, I had a chance to be on my teammate, and I were crushed.  I mean, really crushed.  I still remember the sounds in the room when the announcement was made. Not only were we surprised we didn’t make it, but a lot of other people were too.

That event was the pinnacle of our career.  It’s not like anyone could have told us, “Hey guys, if you DON’T make this team, it’s ok. Athletes fail.”  That would have gone in one ear and out the other.

The truth is we were young, and this was our first Olympics, but we still needed to go through the grieving process after we weren’t named to that team.

But what had been instilled in us was an overall attitude of learning from all of our mistakes.

When we failed, situations weren’t life or death.  We knew that there wasn’t really a failure; there was only learning.

And this is the most important things for an aspiring athlete to learn:

“There is no failure, only learning.”

All the talk about how to alleviate the pain that comes AFTER failing pales in comparison to this tactic that happens BEFORE failing happens.

Instilling an Attitude of Learning

When I was an up-and-coming Olympian, I had a coach who taught me, “The highs aren’t so high, and the lows aren’t so low.”  The important thing about this lesson was that it was taught to us right after a “high.” and not when we were experiencing some kind of “low.”

We just had one of our best results as a young team, and it was the perfect time to be told, “Hey guys. You’re just getting started.  So while this feels great, don’t let it inflate your expectation.”

And that’s where most athletes, coaches, and parents go wrong.  They inflate expectations.

They talk about “big games” or say things like, “Ah, it’s ok; it’s only practice.”

This creates a roller coaster of emotions. In practice, the ups and downs are small because there isn’t much importance placed on failing or even succeeding.  If you miss a shot…great…if you make one…that’s great too.

When the overall attitude is, “Well, it doesn’t REALLY matter until Game Day anyway…” this sets an athlete up for failure because NOW is when they are supposed to turn things on.  The practice is just…practice.  But Game Day…now THAT’s when it’s time to get serious.

We want athletes who come to practice with INTENTION. We want them to bring an attitude of learning. That it’s ok to fail, that failing is actually allowing them to adjust their approach and teaching them how to do things better next time.

Jack Nicklaus, who is considered the greatest golfer to play the game, tells a story that he never took a shot without knowing exactly where he wanted the ball to go.  Why?  Because when he intended to put the ball in a specific place and it DIDN’T go there, he now had feedback.  And feedback is what every athlete is looking for.

When athletes have an intention (putting the ball THERE and not OVER THERE), they now have feedback.  Without the intention, there is no feedback.  Think of all the wasted effort other golfers put into their game because they aren’t as clear about their intention.

In our mental performance programs, we are always helping our athletes get clear on their intentions.  What do you want to have happen?  Overall?  This year? This month?  Today?

Everything is a Micro Failure

When athletes have intention daily, then there aren’t big swings in emotion.  Every effort becomes essential, and therefore overcome failure is just part of the process.

Instead of an athlete getting derailed by losing a “big” event, they have grown accustomed to the process of grieving their micro-failures.

Let me explain…

Whether an athlete fails in an Olympic final or practice, they go through the same process.

When I didn’t make the Olympic team, I was in denial, and then I was angry. And then, I went into bargaining mode.  Then I was depressed.  And then I accepted the fact, and we got to work.

And we did that rather quickly.

It took us about three hours.

In practice, if we messed something up, we went through the same process but on a smaller scale.

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression (micro). And then…Acceptance.  Learn and move on.

And that’s what every Coach and Parent wants.  They really wish their athlete jumped to acceptance right away.

And they will…it just takes practice.  Practice knowing what the stages are…how to go through them…and how to treat training and Game Day with intention.

Intention is the Key To Dealing With Failure in Sports

A problem that many up-and-coming athletes face is that they wait too long to get serious.

Sure, it may look like they are serious.  They go to all the practices and have the gear.  They got the team jacket, and they wolf down the fast-food rushing from school to practice.

They are doing, doing, doing. 

And the parents are doing, doing, doing.

And the coaches are coaching, coaching, coaching.

Practice becomes…just another practice.  It’s all just…noise.

But when an athlete has an intention, then everything becomes more meaningful.

When the goal is, “To have a long successful career as an athlete as a component of a successful life,” then everything else falls into place.

How You Go Into Game Day Affects How You Come Out of Game Day

Now I use the term “Game Day” for all my athletes.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a Hockey player or a Gymnast or a Golfer.  Game Day is ANY day where you’re going to be judged on your ability.

But here’s the key, that’s EVERY day, right?

For athletes who treat their practice days with the same intention, they do their Game Day, then learning becomes easy.  Why?  Because failure is part of that learning. You start to look forward to the learning.

This is different than saying, “Well, all athletes fail, and failure is just part of the process.”  

If the intention and the effort to the process aren’t consistent, then you go back to the roller-coaster of emotion that comes with turning things “on” and turning things “off.”

You may have heard the saying, “Practice so hard that Game Day feels easy!”  There is some truth to that, but even that saying alludes to a “take practice more seriously” approach.

I want my athletes to be ready for all of it.

Managing Expectations of Athletes

I cringe when I hear parents or coaches saying, “Today’s a big game today!”

You hear it in the media a lot.  But it rarely helps. It tends only to hurt.

You’ll hear things like, “Oh, she couldn’t handle the pressure today.”  Or, “Things really got to him today.”

I always think, “Well, how was he yesterday?”

If an athlete is well prepared, they should perform the same on Game Day as they do in practice.  But that’s only if they have that reliable, intentional approach to their expectations every…single…day.

If you could do ten push-ups yesterday, it’s ok to “expect” to be able to do ten push-ups today.

Expectations, in my book, are ok…if you’ve been practicing having expectations along the way.

If you go to practice today and you expect to run a four-minute mile, but you’ve only ever run a five-minute mile…well, you’re setting yourself up for failure.

And that’s exactly what athletes do.  They expect to perform BETTER than they ever have in the past.  They hope to “turn it on” for Game Day when they haven’t done it in the past. That’s wrong, and it sets an athlete up for failure.

Most athletes, parents, and coaches would never want to set their athletes up for failure knowingly, but that’s precisely what happens when you expect to do something on Game Day that you haven’t done before.

That’s one way to set up a wrong expectation.

Two Ways To Manage Expectations In Sports

While some sports psychologists say that you shouldn’t have ANY expectations on Game Day, I don’t think that works for humans, especially small humans who happen to be aspiring athletes.

We aren’t robots, although that is how coaches and parents HOPE an athlete can work.  Eliminate all emotions and just go out there and do what you can do.

Managing “You” Expectations

I do believe it’s ok to have some expectations.  For example, suppose you have performed a certain way under certain conditions and expect those same conditions tomorrow. In that case, if your training has been good, you can probably expect to have a similar performance.

But that performance is YOURS.  It’s not a result of performance. It’s a YOU performance.

Keeping your expectations focused on your own personal best is a way to manage unrealistic expectations for your result. (I’ll cover that in a moment).

I remember watching my first-ever speed skating world cup at the Olympic Oval in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, many years ago.  While there would be gold, silver, and bronze medal winners that day, the real winners were the athletes who posted personal bests on the Calgary ice.

After each pair of athletes finished, their time would be posted on the scoreboard.  Whether they won or not, they posted a personal best time; the scoreboard read “PB” next to their name.  The crowd would cheer just like they had set a World Record.  I’ve never forgotten that.

We hope for our athletes today, and tomorrow and the next day is that they can have a personal best.  We don’t want them going backward. Although that can happen, we would love to have consistent results day in and day out.

And that’s hard to do!  Life happens.  But learning how to manage our performance despite how we feel is part of becoming a high-performance athlete.  It’s not about feeling perfect every day; it’s about performing at our best in imperfect situations.

Managing “Results” Expectations

The second way to manage expectations is to avoid setting “results” expectations.

You may want to win the Olympics.  Or finish in the top five.  Or have your team come back with a medal.

But the truth is you have no control over ANY of that. 

Nope.  Nada.  Zilch.

Unless you hack the legs out from under your competitor, they will run their race, and you’re going to run yours.  Where you end up will be primarily based on how well you perform to YOUR best.

This is where confidence comes in…

Confidence and Your Past Successes In Sport

Confidence is based on your past successes, and you’ve been having success in practice over and over again.  That is why, when you keep your intention high in practice, you can expect to have a similar result on Game Day. 

If you were taking it easy in practice and hoping to “turn it on” on Game Day, your expectations are unrealistic.   If you start to heap pressure on yourself, expecting specific results, things start to go south, and failure potential starts to rise.

But there is something critical for every athlete to understand going into Game Day…

My Goldilocks Theory of Game Day: Failure and Success

Do you remember Goldilocks and the Three Bears?  Goldilocks breaks into their house and eats their oatmeal.  Some of the oatmeal was too cold…some of it was too hot…and some of it was juuuust right.

That’s how some of your Game Day’s are going to be.

There are going to be Game Day’s where the level of competition is too cold.  It’s easy.  Not much of a challenge.  Your current performance is going to crush the competition.

But other days, Game Day is going to be too hot.  Your current level of ability isn’t going to be enough to do well.  You are going to get crushed.

Now in either of those situations, if you’re not aware of what you’re going into, you’re can either feel awesome or crushed.  You’re going to be on that roller coaster of emotion.

And for those few Game Days where things are juuust right…well…you’re going to feel like things are fine.  That things are going to plan.  That all is good in the world.

We know from Long Term Athlete Development that EVERY athlete needs to have a certain percentage of experiences when you win and a certain percentage where you fail.  It’s part of the development of the athlete.

Last year I worked with an athlete who had never lost only to lose in their first major competition.  The loss so caught them off guard that they wanted to quit altogether.  This athlete had been eating cold oatmeal all the time.  They beat everyone.  They were above average.

They expected that they would ALWAYS win, and their coaches and family perpetuated that myth. When they finally got to a Game Day, that was a challenge. They weren’t ready.  Not that they couldn’t handle it in the future, but today…they didn’t have it.

Their unreasonable expectations set them up to fail.  In this case, failure in sports was created by the athlete and supported by those around him. And it didn’t have to be that way.

In this case, the athlete was over-confident based on the competition he was going into.  His confidence wasn’t appropriate for this particular Game Day.

What should he have done?  With his coaches and his family’s help, he could have been better prepared about what sort of competition he was up against.  This is where understanding your competitor is essential.

Now, we don’t want to expect to lose or expect to win.  But knowing the environment we go into (people, places, things) can be beneficial not only in our preparation FOR the event but in our management of grief AFTER the event.

How To Deal With Failure In Sports Starts BEFORE the Failure

As coaches and parents, we want our athletes to breeze through victories AND failures.  That starts with how we prepare and ultimately compete through our Game Days.  

After a tough loss, we need to understand our athletes need to grieve just like they lost a loved one.  We may want them to rush right through and get to the ‘acceptance’ phase quickly, but the process is very personal and is dependant on how comfortable an athlete is with dealing with failure. Not to sound too sarcastic, but losing your ONLY stuffed animal is more complicated than if you are ALWAYS losing your stuffed animals.

Helping an athlete manage their expectations going into a Game Day can be critical to how they come through the other side.  An athlete can only control the expectations of their performance. Understanding what you will face on Game Day can help you prepare and manage the results so you can move through the grieving stages quickly.

Failure in sports is not a matter of “if” but a matter of “when.”  That does nothing to soothe how bad an athlete feels after the fact, but it can mean everything as an athlete prepares over and over again to perform at their best.

For more articles just like this one:

11 Mental Skills For Today’s Modern Athlete

Is Your Athlete In His or Her Head on Game Day

Why Deliberate Practice Matters: Thoughts During a Lockdown